Wednesday, 17 September 2008

How to get a flat stomach in a short period of time without the requisite effort

[What follows was dictated to me by Disagrees who has recently been having trouble using a keyboard- Ed.]

"Tired of having a protuding stomach? Frustrated with your flabbiness? Can't find any information about flat stomachs or losing belly fat on the internet? Don't have the internet? Paris Hilton, Naked Sex Video, Viagra?" [Disagrees has only a hazy grasp of how people search the internet, predicated largely on his own habits- Ed.] "Don't worry! I am offering you the chance to discover the top techniques used by professionals to regulate their abdomens."

"The modern penguin needs to stay in shape. I use a special training regimen that I am prepared to send to you, in full, detailing my special secrets to a toned, well curved abdomen. This is available, free of charge, to anyone who clicks through and buys our album (an abridged summary will be sent to purchasers of our singles)."

"Here is an extract from my tried and tested professional method. It really works!"

"... when swimming, to think about lady penguins. This will cause you to move your lower body in a different way and work the lower pinguinial muscles. Alternate between thinking about lady penguins while cruising and thinking about fish when in amongst the shoals. I also think about music, which engenders additional muscle movements. In this way you will give your belly an even work-out.

3. Don't burn that Fat!

One of the most pernicious myths about getting a well-toned belly is that you have to lose your belly fat. Wrong! Fat is your friend! Without an adequate layer of belly fat, you run the risk of freezing to death in the winter, spring, autumn, or even summer. If you have not built up and maintained the appropriate fat level, you may even starve to death while looking after an egg. Look carefully at the penguins whose bodies you admire, and you will see that their well toned form actually houses a healthy level of fat in surprising places. It is simple to stay fat and stay in great shape with... "

"Unfortunately the full text, including instructions on the best diet to maintain smooth feathers, and a free mini-guide to crop-rotation, is only available to customers who purchase our album, (or as an abridged praece for purchasers of our singles). So Britney Spears Michael Jackson Penis Enlargement visit our site today! Supplies are limited, so hurry! Remember: 'Poor specs, no pecks'."

['Pecking' is a penguin slang term; as I am unsure quite what it refers to I can only hope this catch-phrase is not offensive - Ed.]